"this time of the month," as they call it, always finds my mind like a little sailboat tossed in the stormy sea of female hormones. i woke up this morning feeling hopeful and optimistic for the first time in months. i took on two mildly ambitious kitchen projects. by the afternoon i wanted to fall asleep standing (and I hadn't even begun those projects). by the evening one of my projects had failed due to my impatience, and i felt like chucking it and myself out the window. the sounds of the tv and kenny's cell phone game and my dog's squeak toy were all grating my nerves to the point where i had to leave the room.

now, as is usual for this particular time, i sit and fantasize about the future and worry that i won't achieve any of the things i've dreamed about. i'm afraid of a wasted life.


on a side note, i'm so FUCKING SICK of "reality" shows on every fucking channel. the constructed drama, the douchebag "contestants" and "judges" who all take themselves too seriously, the way the video and audio are edited to create characters and give certain impressions. i'm just sick of tv. i hate it. it makes me fucking angry and i'd rather not have it in my house, period. ARGH.

life is hard
life is amazing

Will you stay near me now?
Don't leave this town until we figure out.
Between the two of us we're strong enough,
I feel that in your touch.

Am I teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack?

I feel like I'm going to lose it.

PMDD (is it real? is it a made up syndrome created by the pharmaceutical giants? if it exists, I sure as fuck have it), constant stress in every single area of my life, utter panic, I don't know how to calm down.

I don't know how to give my frustrations a voice.

I go back and forth between wanting to just delete this blog to wishing I had the enthusiasm to write an entry every day.


I somewhat want to start a new blog entirely devoted to how this recession has changed my life. I want to chronicle my climb out from under the weight of credit card debt, to post photos of my garden growing from seedlings to dinner, to give myself an electronic scrapbook to look back on when I finally have my dozen acres of land complete with a huge garden, dogs and cats, chicken coops, beehives, sheep, little house with solar panels, and whatever else I happen to fall in love with. I don't ever want to live in a teepee and have to hunt animals for food. I really love many modern conveniences, and I appreciate things that allow me to live without wondering if I have food and shelter enough to survive. But it's empowering to grow your own food, to be self-sustaining, to know that if you needed to, you could survive without Safeway or BGE. It's empowering to know where that tomato came from, and it's humbling to tend it, watch it grow, and harvest it. I've barely scratched the surface of living this way, and I know it'll be a lifelong process. I became a vegetarian at 13 years old, tried to get my family and friends to recycle and live a more eco-friendly life. I was teased relentlessly in middle school for not eating meat, and my family took very little of my suggestions to heart. Now "green" is trendy, everyone knows at least one vegetarian, and my family is a recycling, composting, CFL-bulb-using machine. There are resources, networks and ideas on every bookshelf and website. I finally feel hopeful for the earth and humankind.

life sure as hell is not going to get easier.

Let's do this while we still can.

My deep-seated resentment is bubbling up.


If I have children, I will never hit, slap, shove, or otherwise physically assault them, nor will I attempt to frighten or intimidate them.
If I have children, I will never allow anyone else to hit, slap, shove, or otherwise physically assault them, or to attempt to frighten or intimidate them.
If anyone, relative or otherwise, raises a hand to them, that person will be out of my life and out of my child's life. Permanently.

It is not ok, it has never been ok, it will never be ok to strike your child.

I dug a patch of my parents' backyard in preparation for planting veggies. I love gardening, although I haven't done it much in the last few years. I can't wait to get back into it. Veggie gardening is especially rewarding. Since I got back from vacation I've felt renewed and my activist passions reawakening, and the vegetable garden is my latest project for self-improvement and earth-improvement. There is nothing like the feeling of plucking a ripe tomato off a vine that you tended to and patiently watched for weeks, and eating food that only had to travel directly from the plant to your dinner plate is infinitely better for the earth than buying from a supermarket.

I always write these entries 3 or 4 times and delete at least half of them before I post them. They're still never that interesting or well-written. I'm not sure why I bother.

What would you do if your country was in a recession and you had a relatively stable job that paid living wages and gave you every other Friday off, but took an hour one way to get to and was causing you so much stress that your health, your relationships, and your general well-being were all suffering because of it?

I want to fix myself.

I want to know everything will work out in the end.

Because very few ministers will either a) perform a civil wedding ceremony for a couple living in sin, or b) perform a wedding ceremony for under $400, I asked a slightly eccentric thespian friend of mine if she would be willing to get ordained online and do our ceremony. She was not only willing, but absolutely thrilled to do it. I'm absolutely thrilled too, because this wedding is coming together as an event built by our friends and family, which is just what I wanted. My mom is making my dress and the bridesmaid dresses, a friend is doing the ceremony, our catering is being done by a friend of my family, the music is being done by Kenny's friend, the photos will hopefully be done by his coworker, and our dogs will likely be supervised by a friend and former coworker of mine from when I worked as a dog washer. I'm so lucky to have all these connections and not have to rely on strangers to marry us, serve our food, or play the music we want. And it just adds a really special and personal element.

Yeah, I'm a lucky lady. I wish it was October already.

It only took 4 months. This job is officially getting to me. This weekend was the first time since starting to work here that I gave any thought to my work-related tasks while at home. When I got to work today, there was so much to do and so much going wrong that I almost started crying. I still want to cry. I wish I knew how to keep stress from getting to me, because I know how unhealthy it is and how awful it makes me feel physically. The truth is that this job isn't horrible, but it's meaningless. I always thought I would do something worthwhile with my life. I know my job doesn't define me, but it takes up the majority of my days, and I feel like its a waste. I could be working somewhere at a job I love, or at least working in a place that had a charitable or otherwise worthwhile mission. To do that I either need to take a pay cut that would leave me homeless, or get a degree. School is incredibly hard for me and always has been. I always go back with an optimistic attitude, just to lose motivation and focus. I wish I could quit work and just go to school full time. I'm scared of adding into my debt in the form of student loans. I feel lost. I feel directionless. Today has been a hard day.

I'm at a good point in my life, and I feel hopeful about the future. I can't stop looking at the ring on my left hand and thinking about what it means, and thinking about what it took to get to this point, and where we'll go from here. I think about the inevitable difficulties, hard times, and hurt. I think about the inevitable joys, satisfactions and accomplishments. This is life.

Life can't always feel good, but today it does.

I'm gettin' hitched!

it's painful and wonderful to grow up and learn what love really means, and how and to know there is still more to learn.

the "meaning of life" is to learn and love.

www.goodsearch.com
www.igive.com

You can help out TONS of charities, at no cost to you. There's no reason not to use these websites, people!

I'm giving up on friendship.

family drama is the worst drama. UGH.

I haven't been the best friend.
I haven't been the best daughter.
I haven't been the best girlfriend.
I haven't been the best sister.
I haven't been the best person.

I can do better, and I'll try.